Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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