if i can run in heels then i can drive
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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