Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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