2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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