Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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