this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
