I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
