I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
dude. I can hear the air.
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