If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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