I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
