naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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