Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
