i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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