He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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