Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
