So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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