i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
