i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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