Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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