So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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