I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
