Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I wish I only lived at night.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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