you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
