I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
