Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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