how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
