Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
