Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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