someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
