I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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