I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
