I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
