I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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