first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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