Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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