Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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