Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
