dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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