just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
