Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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