his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
