I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
