So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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