I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm at about main and main street
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize