He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
