You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
love makes seman taste better
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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