I cannot find my penis.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
