Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
