is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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