i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
