I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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