i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
