Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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