Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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