I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
