got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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