Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
