Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
