I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
